


The Intervention

by Fabwords



Category: 2 Broke Girls
Genre: Character Turned Into Vampire, Crack, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-03-02
Packaged: 2018-01-14 07:16:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1257619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fabwords/pseuds/Fabwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Max's friends gather for an Intervention.  She is not surprised, after all she has many, many vices and had so for many years.  But this, this was something new.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Intervention

Oh my god is this an intervention for me? Max exclaims, looking over the small crowd gathered in the now closed diner. 

"You know that we all love you Max." Caroline begins, smiling at her friend and encouraging her into the chair positioned at the head of the roughly formed circle of sitting friends.

"So you know what we want to talk to you about, good, then we can hurry this up, I'm losing customers for this." Han stated, pointing agitatedly at the closed sign on the door.

The entire group turn to look at the deserted street on the other side of the door. "We appreciate your sacrifice Han." Caroline dead panned. “So Max you understand what this is about?”

"Actually I'm not really sure." Max pondered. "There are so many possibilities, my drug taking, my slutty ways, my bad attitude towards, well, everyone."

"None of those." Caroline said out loud, then mumbled to herself, "not this time anyway."

"Oh is about me coming to work drunk?"

"You come to work drunk!" Han cried. 

"Well I'm not going to do it sober."

"No Max this is about how you've changed lately, the sleeping all day, the late nights, the unnatural strength."

"Unnatural?"

"Max I saw you carrying chestnut home the other night."

"You suppose to ride them not carry them," Earl counselled. 

"What, don't judge me, chestnut was scarred. That evil pekinese in 24b was harassing him on our walk."

Sophie sighs loudly. “Come on Max, fess up already, we all know you’re a vampire now.”

“You know about vampires?” Max questioned.

“Yes of course, back in Poland I took care of them all the time."

"Oh, you looked after them, that's sweet ." Caroline cooed.

"Yes I took care of them with this." She said smiling and pulling a wooden stake out of her purse and pointing the business end at Max. "Bam, right through the heart."

"Sophie no, you wouldn't kill max would you." Caroline cried.

"Oh sure I would." She offered gleefully. "She's a cold, soulless demon bitch, and now she's a vampire too." Laughing at her own joke Sophie look around at the group of unimpressed faces, giving them an whatever shrug.

"No staking anyone in the cafe." Han ordered. "If the health department finds human blood here again my goose will be cooked."

"Fine, don't come to me to save your bacon when she attacks you while you sleep." Oleg drawls.

"Stake, goose, bacon, dam all this talk of food is making me hungry." Max complained. "You got any meat back there."

The cook smirked suggestively. "Got all the mean you ever need right here." He offered, making a v shape with his hands, sharp end nudging his crotch.

"I may have lost my heart beat but not my dignity, my mouth will never be anywhere near that." She stated, nodding towards the meat in question.

"Wow Oleg, and this from a girl who just last night was sucking on a rat." Caroline noted.

"Rats? Did someone say rats? No one here eating rat." Han raved, eyes shifting sideways.

"You saw me." Max asked Caroline in a quiet voice.

"Yeah.” Caroline shrugged.

"Why didn't you say something? Actually, scratch that, I can’t believe you didn't just scream? Oh god, have you finally given in and taken that little pill I keep leaving on your breakfast plate."

"Oh Max, I don't mind you eating them, least they're not running around the apartment, and I’ve told you before, I don’t need your special vitamins." 

"Oh at your place, that’s OK then. But they so small, how do they even satisfy you." Han asked innocently.

Everyone smirked, most eye rolled, it was Max who said it. " Said everyone you ever dated."

"How did this even happen?" Caroline asked.

“What, Han can get dates, he’s got money and if it’s it one thing this neighbourhood has plenty of is “dates” just waiting on the corner.”

“No Max, how did you become a vampire, you didn’t use to be one I’m sure.”

"Oh you know the usual way sex, blood and mayhem, just another Saturday night." Max scoffed, waving her hand dismissively. "I mean it wasn't even the worse date I've had."

"God, was it the Goth with hipster beard?" Caroline guessed.

"No, it was the accountant with the bowler hat." Max eye rolled at her friend’s confused look. "Yes the Goth guy."

"Can we speed this up guys?" Earl urged. "I'm not getting any younger here."

"Yeah Caroline, that was wonderful, thanks for that, so let’s go daylight's approaching." Max looked nervously at the lightening sky.

"Sit down Max." Caroline pushed her friend into a chair. "Ok, so you admit you have a problem, and that's the hardest part."

"Well thanks Dr Phil, but A, I don't have a problem and B, I don't have a problem."

"You are an un-dead, blood sucking demon; I would say that is a problem." Oleg notes.

"Un-dead, as in Not Dead, so not a problem, sure the blood thing is a pain but I'm not sucking your blood so…."

Caroline placed a soothing hand on her friends shoulder. “We want to help you Max, we don’t think there is anyway to cure you..”

“Yes there is, it’s a stake, and I’ve got one right here.” Sophie offered earnestly.

Caroline crossed her arms and stared the tall blond down. “Ooooo sorry, don’t mess with the skinny one’s girlfriend.” Sophie held her hands up in mock horror.

“Anyway…. “Caroline continued. “We’ve drawn up a roster for blood donations, just about everyone chipping in, most of the staff and even some of the customers.”

“Not me though, Sorry Max, I love you but at my age I need all my body fluids, but I do have this for you.” Earl handed Max a rolled-up paper about the size of broad sheet newspaper.

“Oh goodie, a giant reefer.”

“Nah girl, that there is a map of all the underground tunnels my papa used to smuggle booze during the prohibition. It will help you get around when the sun’s up, if need be.”

“Naw thanks Earl, that’s really cool.”

“I’m not giving blood either.” Oleg advised.

“Worried it’s not clean?” Max asked.

“No, I just don’t want to.” The cook shrugged. “But I have got some fresh pigs blood arriving for you tomorrow night.”

“Did you say FRESH pig’s blood? Here? Fresh?” Max gasped.

“What you mean Max, all the meat we serve here is fresh.” Han stated a little too loudly, his eyes doing that shifty thing again.

“OK well this has been great.” Max said, standing and heading for the door. “Come on Caroline; let’s get home before daylight starts burning.

 

“So, Max do you think you’re going to live forever now?” Caroline called out from her pull down bed in the living room.

“God I hope not.” Max called from her room. “No one would want that.”

“Well I would Max, you’re my best friend, but I don’t suppose you will want to hang out with me when I’m all old and sick and you’re still young and hot.” 

“Dam it Caroline, don’t you make me say it.” Max sighed, coming out into the living room.

“Say what?” Caroline asked, sounding overly innocent.

“You know.” Max grumbled

“Nope, no idea.” The blond faced her friend, smirking playfully.

“Fine.” Taking a deep breath, Max spoke quickly, staring intently at her own feet. “In thirty years, if it looks like I’m going to live forever, and you’re still single, then I will make you my vampire bride. Are you happy now?”   
“Perfectly.” Caroline grinned. “Just imagine how successful our cup cake business will be with a hundred more years to perfect it.”

“God, I should have let Sophie stake me.” The vampire huffed, turning quickly to hide a happy grin.


End file.
